


Facility: Our Forbidden Love

by howdoesonewrite



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Airplane Crashes, Amnesia, Captivity, Car Chases, Death, Hospitalization, Injury, Loss, M/M, Mild Gore, Phandom Big Bang 2015, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Vomiting, depression (?)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-13
Updated: 2015-10-13
Packaged: 2018-04-26 05:37:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4992334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howdoesonewrite/pseuds/howdoesonewrite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan Howell and Phil Lester are lovers. Well, were lovers to be more exact. Dan died in a car accident and Phil killed himself from all the grief. They thought they would meet in heaven but it turns out that they were actually in the latest game “Earth Simulation” created by their long forgotten home plant. Now, they’re lost and just trying find one another.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Take Me Back to the Basics

**Author's Note:**

> Check out the awesome video that goes to this fic [here](http://flying-panda-cat.tumblr.com/post/131108049318/pbb-art-for-howdoesonewrite-helps-fic-facility) made by [Jessica](http://flying-panda-cat.tumblr.com/) my lovely artist.
> 
> Oh I’m done. Finally. Shout out to my [beta](http://katington.tumblr.com/) for putting up with my procrastination. Shout out to my [artist](http://flying-panda-cat.tumblr.com/) who procrastinated too and managed to finish before me. Shout out to my friend ([phanthought](http://phanthought.tumblr.com/)) for forcing me to write when I didn’t want to. And shout out to [myself](http://howdoesonewrite-help.tumblr.com/) for actually writing a fic after months. Round of applause everyone.
> 
> You guys can read more fics from the Phandom Big Bang on their website [x](http://phandombigbang.co.vu/)

_This is the way the world ends_

_This is the way the world ends_

_This is the way the world ends_

_Not with a bang but a whimper_

_~ The Hollow Men, T.S. Elliot_

 

You don’t think about death unless you are

  1. Having an existential crisis (in which case you are option number 2 on this list)
  2. Dan Howell
  3. Almost dead



Or maybe you are the fourth: Phil Lester learning that Dan Howell is dead.

I wasn’t ready for this news, but then again nobody ever is. I remember every detail perfectly and I can’t stop myself from replaying the information over and over again. Sitting on the couch waiting for Dan to come home. A policeman coming to our house. Crying in the back seat of a police car. Standing outside the operating room. The doctor coming outside with a solemn look on his face. Yelling at the doctors and nurses. Standing in front of the mirror while I tried to straighten out my tie with tears in my eyes. Giving a speech to everyone in black suits and dresses.

And now, holding a gun up to my head.

I stand there with the gun pointed directly at my skull for a few minutes before I lower my hand. I can’t kill myself. Well, not here anyways. Not in this house. Not in the place filled with good memories of Dan and I. I grab my coat and head out into the cool weather of February.

I step outside to cars and people. I shudder. They’ll all be dead someday, maybe even today. I close my eyes and count to 10, hoping that everything will disappear. It doesn’t. Sighing, I pull up my hood and walk down the street.

I’m not sure where I’m going, where I have deemed an acceptable place to die. I just walk. I walk until it gets dark. I walk until car seemingly start to disappear from the road. Until the crowds have thinned out. Until streetlights are the only thing I can see. Then I stop when I come to a large tree in a park. I’ve never been here before, or I don’t think I have. It’s too dark to tell for sure. Either way this tree feels perfect.

I stop up to the bark and pull out a pocket knife. With shaking hands, I carve out a ‘D’ then an ‘A’ before realising I can’t actually see my work. I bite my lip but continue with the ‘N’ anyways. I pull out my phone and shine light onto it. It doesn’t look as bad as I thought. I run my hands over the letters and smile. This is it.

I take the gun that I borrowed out from my backpack. It feels heavy in my hands, the cool medal chilling my fingers. I start crying then. A loud ugly cry. I drop the gun and run. This isn’t right. I can’t do this. Dan would be so disappointed. Dan would be upset if I didn’t live my life. Dan would be sad that I didn’t continue our legacy. But Dan never came home that day. So Dan doesn’t get to choose anymore. Dan can’t tell me if I’m right or wrong. I can only hope he’ll welcome me in heaven.

I run into the main road without looking both ways. I can see the light coming from my right and I close my eyes. It hurts more then expected. The impacts spreads throughout my body and I’m on the ground withering in pain. I can see the blood leaving my body. I can hear shouting. I can feel the energy leaving me. Surprisingly though, I don’t feel pain. Instead, I feel relief because I no longer have to live without Dan.

I start slipping into darkness then. There’s no light, or God, or pretty rainbows. Everything is just....dark. My body feels suddenly light, like everything is fading away. My mind feels fuzzy too. It’s like I’m turning into nothingness. Maybe dying is when you become nothing. Your cells just leave you and your brain rots until you’re no longer a being.

A few weeks ago, that would have scared me. But now, I welcome the nothing. I welcome the lack of pain and I can only hope Dan welcomed it too. I begin to relax in my head and soon, my brain stops thinking altogether.

*******

I wake up.

Yup, I tried to die and apparently I failed. Great.

I groan and look around to figure out which hospital I ended up in. It’s quite a weird one actually. Every wall is glass, and at first I think this may be a problem but nobody seems to see me at all. Then there's the bed. It’s suspended in air. By. It. Self. And then there’s the clothes, well lack of clothes, that I’m wearing. I’m in plain black underwear. Nothing else, and it makes me feel exposed.

I sigh and and lean back onto my pillow. ‘ _This place is weird,’_ I think to myself as I am dragged back into unconsciousness.

*******

“Mr. Lester,” I hear besides me. “Mr. Lester, can you hear me? Are you able to open your eyes?”

“What?” I groan and slowly open my eyes, blinking at the harsh lights in the room.

“Mr. Lester,” the man standing next to me says. He smiles at me before continuing, “Welcome back.”

I sit silently for a moment to ponder on his words. “So I really was dead?” I finally say.

“Not exactly,” he says, his smile turning into a grin.

“Then… what?”

“Well you woke up from the game of course!”

“I’m sorry, did you say a game?” I reply in disbelief my head spinning at his words.

“Yes! A game! Isn’t that wonderful?! In fact, you’re one of our best subjects!” he cries happily.

“What game?” I say. I have a feeling I know the answer to this question but I’m afraid of it. A cold dark feeling begins to spread through my stomach.

“Earth! Well, Earth simulation but still. Pretty weird name, huh?” he says laughing.

“Yeah,” I say quietly, not really knowing what else to say, “Yeah it is pretty weird I guess.”

“Oh, I got off track, dear me,” he says, “I came to tell you that you’re being moved to the therapy wing," he looks at my confused face and continues, "This is the recovery one and before you were in the game wing."

 

I nod, "What exactly is this place?"

"It's Earth's facility. Their gaming facility."

“So my life on Earth was a game?” I say, my voice shaking.

“Well yes, you get placed in a virtual reality and spend a good few months in there before coming out. Or dying, I should say. Dying is how you get out,” he tells me.

“Does that mean nothing in there was real?” I say. I can feel myself going sick from this information.

“Yup! Crazy right? Earth’s technology is one of the best,” he says with a bright smile.

I force myself to give a small laugh, but I have a bitter taste in my mouth. “Wow,” I say, “Crazy.”

He gives me a warm smile, “I guess we should move you then.”

“I guess we should,” I say.

*******

I sit on a couch in the new room quietly. Someone’s supposed to come in and give me a psychological evaluation. At least that’s what the man told me. He told me I’d be free to go afterwards.

I sigh when the door opens. I can only hope that this person doesn’t deem me mentally unfit to leave. It probably won’t be easy convincing her though. She’s already staring at me, trying to decide my mental state. She takes a seat next to me instead of sitting in the chair across from me. I shiver and scoot away. She looks at me for a moment before standing up and sitting in the chair.

“I’m your psychologist, Dr. Warner,” she tells me. Dr. Warner holds out her hand for me to shake and I immediately give her my left. A reaction from knowing Dan for so long. My heart clenching at this thought and I quickly change my hand.  Of course she notices. She has a concerned look on her face but she still manages to give me a warm smile.

_Great, I’m going to be stuck here forever._

“Mr. Lester, how do you rate your experience in Earth on a scale of 1 to 10?” she asks me.

_Well considering Dan, a billion. But he died so a billion minus one I guess._

“Mr. Lester?”

“Oh,” I say, “It was a, um, strong 8.”

She writes something down on her chart and I groan. Her head snaps up immediately.

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

“Mr. Lester, the more you cooperate, the sooner you can leave,” she says.

“Okay,” I mumble.

She smiles and me before looking down at her clipboard. She scans the words on it before looking back up. “It seems that you woke up a few months too soon. Can you tell me about that?”

I bite my lip, “Well I got hit by a car,” I say.

Again, she scribbles things down on her chart. “How much pain did you experience during your simulated death?”

“Not much,” I say.

More notes.

“Hey,” I say after a while of just sitting in silence, “Do you know where I can get clothes?”

She glares at me through her glasses. I take a deep breath and lean back into my chair.

_Honestly, if I knew dying would be this much work I wouldn’t have even considered dying. Hell, I would have discovered immortality._

“Okay Mr. Lester,” I hear her say, “if you could follow me.” She stands up from her chair and walks to the door.

I get up too. My legs feel numb from sitting which causes me to limp behind her. She doesn’t notice though, as she’s already a couple of meters away from me. I struggle to catch up with her.  I can feel cool air hitting my legs as continue to follow her. She disappears around a corner and by the time I’m around it, she’s gone.

I sigh and lean against the wall. I flinch at the coldness but I force myself to stay on it. I take a few breaths before I walk down the corridor again. I don’t know where I’m going, but it feels right to keeping moving forward.

Eventually, I hit a dead end. I look around and see no one. I slowly sink down to my knee and I sit on the ground. I close my eyes. ‘ _This is not happening, this is not happening, this is **not** happening.’ _I tell myself over and over again.

“Mr. Lester?”

I squeeze my eyes tighter.

“Mr. Lester. I’ve been instructed to release you from the facility.”

“Thank you,” I whisper.

“I need to get you dressed,” he says.

I stand up and open my eyes. Everything seems brighter after opening your eyes. It’s kind of weird isn’t it? How your life has changed in those few moments. Like the darkness enhances living.

I look at the floor and follow the man’s feet. I don’t want to look at him. Instead, I study his shoes because I’m scared of his face. I time my breaths to his foot steps. Left foot, in. Right foot, out. White shoes hitting the white floor. Sounds of steps echoing. This is what’s keeping me calm right now.

He stops in front of a door and I forget to breath for a second. I have to suck in a lot of air at once to fill my burning lungs. He turns to look at me when I make the loud sound of breathing. I don’t look up. He sighs and turns back to the door. I hear beeping as he punches in some code for the it.

“C’mon,” he says, when the door opens.

The wall on the far end of the room is one big window overlooking the city. I walk to it before I can think. I touch my hand to the cool glass and scan the city. It’s day time. There are a lot of people riding their bikes and walking. No cars. No buses. Just human power.

Huge buildings reach up to the sky in the distance. Businesses of all sorts line the streets. I watch people walk in and out of them. Some holding ice cream cones when they walk out of the corner shop, others walking out with a huge stack of papers and a scared look in their eyes.

“Do you like it?” the man says. He puts a hand on my shoulder. “It’s a one way window. Nobody can see inside if you’re wondering.”

I turn back to him. “Why would I-,” his eyes travel across my body. I blush. I forgot I’m not wearing anything except for my boxers.

He smiles at me and walks to a door that’s inside the room. I watch him go into it. There’s a clock that’s on the door he just went through, so I start to count how many seconds he’s in there for. “1....2....3....4....5,” on 30 he walks out, holding a bundle of clothes.

“Here you go,” he says and hands me the clothes. Dark blue jeans, a white t-shirt, and a pair of generic black sneakers.

“Thank you,” I say. I pull on the jeans, they’re more loose than my regular ones. , _I hope I have nicer ones_ ,’ I think as I pull on my shoes. I stop then and look at the guy. Where would I have nicer ones? Where am I supposed to go after I leave?

“Yes?” he asks.

“I was just thinking, where do I go after I leave?” I say, my left shoe still in my hand.

“Well we give you back your house card and your device. They should be enough to tell you where you need to go,” he says. He leans against the wall and waits for me to respond.

I nod, but I don’t understand what he’s saying. I finish getting dressed quickly so I can leave. “I’m ready.” I say, even though he can tell because he’s been watching me for the past few minutes.

“Good,” he says. “Follow me.”

We walk down the halls for a few minutes. Everything in here is white, save for a few doors that are glass. We walk into an elevator and the man pushes the button that says 1. The doors close with a click, something that elevators in England would never do. It feels as though I’m on a ride when the elevator drops down. I let out a small yelp, which causes the man to glare at me for the second time today. My cheeks turn red as I avoid his gaze. The elevator slows down and produces a small ringing noise. We’ve made it to the bottom floor.

The guy walks out first and I follow him. We turn a corner and the white walls turn into concrete and the light becomes dimmer. I see a sign that says ‘ _Now Leaving’_ and I can’t help but feel a bit scared. I am going out into an unknown world. My heart starts pounding when I see the opening in the tunnel we’ve been walking through. I take a few deep breathes to try to calm myself down.

“Okay Mr. Lester,” the man says. He stops walking to look at me. “A women is waiting out there to escort you to the gate and to give you your belongings.”

I smile, “Thank you, um,” I realize I’ve never learned his name.

“Charleston,” he says.

“Thank you Charleston.” I repeat.

He nods and walks back to the door

_‘Okay Phil,’_ I think to myself, ‘ _time to go out and live your life.’_

_‘Yeah, by yourself,’_ another part of my brain reminds me. I sigh and walk towards the brightness coming from the end of the path.

“Phil!” I hear as soon as I’m outside.

“Hi?” I say back, confusion colouring my tone.

“God I haven’t seen in in forever,” she says. She grabs my hand and starts walking to a large brick gate. “I told you, ‘Don’t go into the program’ but you didn’t listen,” she gives me a sad look. “Well, you’re here now which is all that matters. And I guess all that money you’re getting isn’t too bad either.”

The entire time she’s talking, I’m trying to understand my surrounding. This isn’t the same part of the city that I looked at through the window. There’s a park directly across from here and the entire place looks more like a school than a building in the city. You can’t even tell that a tunnel is in there. It just looks like an opening that doesn’t have a door.

“Phil, are you listening?” the girl says. She let’s go of my arm to cross them across her chest. I mentally thank her for this, as I rub my sore arm.

“Sorry,” I tell her.

“Ugh,” she rolls her eyes, “Well I guess, you haven't seen nature in months.”

“Well, I saw nature on earth,” I mumble.

“That was hardly nature,” she says.

I’m about to say something but instead I nod. I don’t want to start an argument because she’s probably right. Nothing was real, not even Dan. I feel tightness in my chest. This is the first time since I woke up that I’ve let myself think about him. _God, how much I wish he was real._

“Phiiiiil,” the girl whines. I make mental note to ask for her name later, for now though, I just follow her.

I watch the gate open and take a few steps outside. There’s a small booth with a teenage girl sitting in it. She looks up from a tablet in her hand and smiles.

“Name?” she asks. Her voice is soft and pleasant, unlike everyone I’ve talked to so far.

“Phillip Lester,” the girl says. She nods and spins around in her chair. There’s a shelf with baskets that have letters in alphabetical order on them. The reaches for the _L_ basket, mumbling Lester the whole time.

“Ah! I found it,” she says. She pulls out a tablet that similar to hers but smaller and a slim wallet. “Here is your device,” she hands me the tablet. “And your cards. It should have your house card, your money card, and your transportation card.”

“Thank you,” I say, taking the wallet from her. Immediately after, I’m being pulled away from the booth. She laughs and waves a goodbye. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is from [Ease](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAt1m1lQK3w) by Troye Sivan


	2. The Best By Far is You

I.

I’m sitting on the grass outside my house. It doesn’t feel like my house though because Phil isn’t here. And it’s not London. It’s not even earth. Hell, this probably isn’t even the Milky Way Galaxy. Are there even galaxies here?

I sigh and look up. There’s a yellow sun here. At least that’s the same. I mean, the sky itself isn’t even blue. It’s purple. A purple sky. The grass, it’s yellow. At first I thought it was all dead but grass is just yellow here. Yup, kindergarteners learn that the the sun is yellow, the sky is purple and the grass is yellow. What a nice colour scheme.

My device beeps. I take a deep breath before unlocking it.

YOU HAVE A NEW MESSAGE

‘Congratulations **Dan Howell** ,’ it says, ‘To celebrate your completion of the **Earth** game process, your nearest cinema, **Crinly** , has reserved a movie ticket just for you! You can take advantage of this anytime you’d like.

\- Automated Bot (do not reply)’

I nod at my device before tossing it back into the grass. I know I won't be using that anytime soon. Phil and I used to go to the movies together all the time. There are too many memories in those places that I’m not sure I want to relive.

_‘Phil,’_ I think. My breath becomes shaky. _‘He’s not real. Nothing was real.’_ I tell myself. I close my eyes and lay back into the grass. Everyone told me my time on Earth was computer simulated. At first I denied them, but slowly, I know I’m starting to believe their words. Part of me still fights it because, how can a computer mimick love to make it real? I shake my head and open my eyes.

The sun feels out of place here in this purple sky.

*******

I stand in the kitchen and look outside. I have a swing in my front yard that has a sign that says ‘Open to All’. There’s a little girl and her mom there. The little girl’s pigtails swish back and forth on her face and she giggles. Her mom sees me looking at waves. I wave back before I pick up my coffee mug and walk to my room.

Apparently, I’m a neighborhood hero whom everyone loves. Along with my swing, I have a weatherproof board outside where people can scan barcodes and receive free books, meals, clothes, amusement park tickets, and pretty much anything else you’ll ever need. I also make dinners one the 1st and 3rd Sunday of every month for the whole block and volunteer at a church every Tuesday. I live a very generous life.

I stretch myself out on my bed and look at the ceiling. Stars and planets swirl around as I try to pick out patterns. I did some research and found out that the image is a real time video feed from a satellite. It’s actually pretty cool. The bathtub has something similar but it displays the ocean.

Remembering that, I grab some clothes and head off to the bathroom. It spacious and and everything sparks from being cleaned. That’s another thing, I have a maid. It’s a wonder how I can afford anything seeing as I don’t have a job. I make a note to revisit that later as I strip off my clothes.

The water starts automatically when I step inside the tub. It begins to fill slowly as I sit down. The water is warm and eases my muscles. I close my eyes and sink lower into the water.

“Master Howell, would you like music?” I hear a voice say. My eyes snap open and I hear the voice again. “Master Howell?” it repeats.

“Who or what are you?” I say to the seemingly empty room.

“My apologeze. I didn’t assist you the the previous night. I’m Will, your robotic house helper,” it says.

“Well Will, I don’t need music or any help for that matter. You can, um, relax for now,” I tell the wall.

“Very well,” it says and shuts off.

I sit still for a moment to makes sure it’s completely off before I allow myself to rest again. I make another note to shut that thing off permanently. It’s a bit creepy, talking at random moments. I let the warmth of the water sooth me until I fall asleep.

*******

The next day, one of my neighbors tells me they opened a digital book store down the street so I decide to go visit. When I get there a lady tells me that I need only pick up a card that has a picture of the book card and scan it. It will immediately be charged and the book will download onto my device.

I’m looking at the shelfs on YA books because they seem like an easy way to adjust myself back into life here. I pick up a card that has a boy with blue eyes and black hair and my heart stops. My breathing quickens and I drop the card onto the floor.

I stumble over to a sitting area as a memory of Phil takes over my brain.

_‘Phil is holding my hand as we walk around Piccadilly Gardens. He’s talking about his idea to own an animal shelter where he could help pets. I laugh at him and he glares at me. I tell him it’s because he’s being too cute and he smiles. He pulls me into an ice cream shop, the bell on the door rings as we enter.’_

The memory ends as quickly as it came and I can feel my eyes water. I quickly get up to leave.

*******

The second time a memory overwhelms me, I’m on my couch so I can enjoy it more.

_‘We’re laying down on ‘my bed’ (we had two rooms for our videos) and I have my arms wrapped around Phil’s body. He just came back from Florida with his parents and this is me showing him how much I missed him. He rubs my back gently and kisses my forehead._

_“I missed you,” I tell him._

_“I know you did,” he says back. I pull away from his chest to look at him and he smiles. I smile too and lean in to kiss him._

_“I love you,” I say._

_“Not as much as I love you,” he says back. He closes his eyes and falls asleep. I run my hand through his hair and curl up next to him. Soon, I fall asleep too._

I’m properly crying when it’s over. I wipe my tears away and try to tell myself that he wasn’t real. It doesn’t work though and I’m left feeling empty. I stand up and walk onto the porch. It’s the middle of the night. I look up at the stars and listen to a cricket.

“I love you Phil,” I say into the darkness, and I swear, I can hear him say it back.’

II.

“Participant Update (to Headquarters):

Participants **#1048** and **#1435** have been found to possess connections to one another.

We are investigating this issue. Sector **#012** has ruled this a computer programing glitch. Sector # **003** has expressed their concerns about this ruling. Sectors **#139** , **#082, #133,** and **#048** are uncertain about their possession on the matter. Remaining sectors are showing support for **#012** or **#003** depending on their stance.

This investigation has been extended from the previous 1 week time limit to 5 weeks upon the recent disagreements between sectors.

Facility **#203** and **#118** which held these participants would like to apologize for their mistake.

Participant **#1435** was released 21 days ago and showed signs of discomfort upon awakening.

  * Refused medication
  * Fought with staff



Participant **#1048** was released 2 days ago and showed signs of confusion upon awakening.

  * Hesitant towards staff
  * Uncomfortable through release day.”



The man finishes reading the update and sits down on his end of the table. Everyone nods their heads in approval before looking at their boss.

“Theories?” the boss asks. Most shake their heads but a women stands.

“Sir?” she says hesitantly, her voice shaking.

“You may share, Ms. Irwin,” the boss tells her.

“I suspect that these two young men,” everyone looks at her. She realizes her mistake, “These two _participants,_ ” she corrects herself, “seemed to have entered the same universe together. #1048 was the first to enter the world 4 weeks prior to #1435. A computer glitch, as suggested by Sector #012, would be reasonable. #1435 may have had staff that generated his universe but the computer had a glitch which brought up #1048’s word. #1435 would have entered that world in a similar area as #1048, hence their connection. It would explain everything.”

Her colleagues nod again but her boss’ hand stops them. Everyone goes still as he stands.

“Why don’t you sit, Ms. Irwin?” she sits down immediately and listens to her boss. “Ms. Irwin has a point. However, we don’t know the extent of their relationship. We can tell by their actions that they were close but we aren’t aware of how they will act in the future. If they are too close, they will try to contact each other and,” he looks at everyone in the brightly lit room, “We _can’t_ have that. It would stir the planet and lose our credibility as the top video game provider.”

Everyone in the room mumbles their agreements and the boss dismisses their meeting. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is from [Cecilia and the Satellite](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_zY_jSVXSU) by Andrew Mcmahon in the Wilderness


	3. We Keep This Love in a Photograph

The shower sprays water on my body and I take deep breaths to the sound of the crickets outside. It’s nighttime and the girl, Kaylie, finally left. She told me she’d be back tomorrow evening after her work shift. I really don’t want her to come back.

It’s mostly because I don’t remember her. I had to learn her name when she paid for food and the server asked for it. She talked fondly about my family and I think we’ve known each other since we were kids. Too bad I can’t remember anything.

I open my previously closed eyes, and stare at the water dripping from my hair. I hear the air conditioning start and I shiver. I don’t want to be wet when the house gets cold again. I reach out to the faucet with a shaking hand and turn the water off. I step out of the tub and reach for a towell.

I dry myself quickly to avoid the coldness and dress in soft clothes. I lean my head back on the wall for a minute, thinking. If I try, I can remember Dan’s face. How soft his cheeks felt, the brown of his hair, his cute dimple. And if I try really hard, I can remember more of him. His body pushed against mine, how he smelled of vanilla, the way I felt when he smiled. I bite my lip when I feel tears beginning to fall out of my eyes. I wipe them off with my sleeve and open the door.

*******

I sit on my bed and stare at the wall. Lions run across grassy plains across the hologram again and again. The remote in my hand buzzes, telling me the video is about to loop again. I push a button and stars come up. ‘Real time feed: Milky Way Galaxy’ the caption says. I watch the words disappear before moving on to a new place. ‘Tour of Ironvilla:City Home to the Tallest Building’ it says. My gut clenches suddenly and I feel like vomiting. I turn off the screen and run to the bathroom.

*******

“Hello Device,” I say into the air while sitting on the couch.

“Hello Philip,” the walls say.

I roll my eyes at the formality but continue, “What is the name of the world’s tallest building?”

“According to my sources, Coralasp, located in Ironvilla, is the tallest building on this planet.”

I nod. “Thank you.”

“It was my pleasure.”

*******

_‘“Where are we going?” Dan says. He’s smiling, though he once told me hated surprises._

_“It doesn’t matter,” I giggle._

_“Of course it does. What if I get lost?”_

_“Then go to the tallest building, I’ll meet you there,” I say, shaking my head._

_“Wait, is that where we’re going?” he says, pulling at his blindfold._

_“No you twat. Now c’mon,” I grab his arm and pull him down the street.’_

My eyes shoot open and I pull at my blankets. It feels too hot in here. I grab my device and walk outside the house to my backyard and sit down on the grass. I watch a bug crawl up my leg as I try to take deep breaths. ‘ _He’s not real. **Not real.** ’ _I tell myself. Still, my fingers move across my device, desperately searching for plane tickets to Ironvilla. It’s a long shot. I know it is. I can’t help myself though as I press buy and enter my access code. I get an email a few seconds later.

‘Flight #101909 confirmation. Plane leaves at 3:35am, Tuesday the 28th’

I nod and look at the time 1:17am. I have about 2 hours to pack and get myself at the airport. I smile and stand up. ‘ _I can do this’_.

*******

It turns out that I, Philip Michael Lester, am not a big traveler. It seems weird because on Earth I went to so many different places. But here? Nothing. Not one suitcase. I do find a backpack though. I fill it up with clothes and a camera that I find. If I do find Dan, might as well take pictures right?

I call a cab and wait on the sidewalk. It’s almost 2am and I have no idea how far the airport is. I see car lights and I grip my backpack tighter. It pulls up and the doors slide open. Nice. I get in and I’m surprised to see no driver. I look around as the door closes. The bright lights dim and a welcome screen slides down from the car’s ceiling. I smile. The technology here is so advanced that living somehow feels safer. I type in the information before leaning back in my seat.

The drive is fairly short but it mostly has to do with the lack of cars on the road. The airport has a lot of lights everywhere to let you know it is, in fact, an airport. I watch a plane takeoff and I wonder if it’s also automated.

I scan my transportation card on the way out and hear a thank you from a robotic voice. I grab my backpack and walk into the building. A lady, who is standing at the entrance, takes my device from my hand. I glare at her as she taps things into it. She hands it back to me and smiles.

“Welcome,” she says, “I’m Jacqueline.”

“Yeah but what did you do to my thing,” I say.

“Oh nothing, just some updates for the plane. New policy.” Jacqueline says. She tilts her head to the side while keeping her smile. “Shouldn’t you be going?”

“Yeah, I guess,” I say. I shake my head and walk over to my gate. ‘ _People here are weird’._

II.

“Sir,” I hear. I groan and sit up. My neck hurts from laying down on the cold cement all night. “Sir, we have to ask you to leave.”

“What?” I say as I wipe drool off my face.

A man shakes his head and walks away. I watch him go into the building while shielding my eyes from the sun. There are people looking at me, some taking pictures, others pointing, but all of them are fascinated by me. I’ve been camping out here for the past 2 days. The only times I’ve gotten up is to go to the bathroom and get food right across the street so that I can watch the building. There’s even a newscaster standing a few feet away from me, reporting the news of a “mysterious man who has an obsession with the Coralasp”.

I don’t blame the people for taking an interest in me. Hell, I even think it’s weird that I’m here. I mean, isn’t it a bit odd that I remembered a nonexistent person telling me to meet them at the tallest building? Then again, my life has been odd for the past few months. What with the dying and the rebirth and the video game. Honestly, I’m surprised that I’ve managed to make it this long.

I stand up from my spot and decide to look busy so I won’t get arrested. I grab my backpack from the ground and walk down the street. There’s a small cafe that I’ve been going to for the past few days. The lady working the counter, Lucy, recognizes me right away and smiles. I wave at her as I walk towards her.

“What will it be, Dan?” she says, relaxing her face. She has wrinkles around her eyes from constantly smiling. It’s a welcoming feature that makes me feel at home.

“Just a coffee, 2 sugars and 1 cream,” I say.

She writes my order down. “That’ll be 2.50.”

“Of course,” I say. I grab my wallet to look for my money card.

“So, can you tell me why you've been camping outside of Coralasp?”

I smirk as I tug out my card. “You wouldn’t believe me,” I say.

“Try me.”

“Well, I had this dream,” I say.

She laughs while she swipes my card, “Are you some crazy person?”

“Let me finish,” I say, slipping my card back into it’s place.

“Alright then, tell me.”

“I had a dream that my, um, my friend got lost. See he’s been gone on a trip for a while so I know he's not lost but my dream told me he was. He told me to meet him at the tallest building so here I am.” I say

“Here you are,” she says.

“Yeah well, do you still think I’m crazy though?”

“A little bit,” she says.

I laugh. _‘Me too’_ I think to myself. The worker behind her finishes my drink and hands it me.

"Good luck with your friend," Lucy says as I walk to the door.

"Thank you," I say. The bell rings when I open the door. I wave at her and she waves bye back.

I walk outside and head back to my camping spot.

*******

That night, I watch the news on my device. They’re talking about me. Slipping me into news stories and forecasts. Like ‘The weather tomorrow will be sunny, perfect for the man outside of Coralasp’ and ‘A small boy wrote a letter to everyone to spread joy while he’s in the hospital. He wants you all to know that you’re awesome. I wonder if he thinks the man outside of Coralasp is awesome’. It’s quite annoying really.

I try not to let the teasing of the people get me down though. So instead, I fall asleep to my thoughts of Phil Lester.

“Participant Update (to Headquarters):

Participants **#1048** and **#1435** have shown behaviour issues recently.

Recap: Participant **#1435** was released 28 days ago

  * Refused medication


  * Fought with staff



New found information has revealed him camping outside of Coralasp without a clear motive. The media has taken an interest in him and he is quickly becoming a worldwide icon.

Recap: Participant **#1048** was released 9 days ago.

  * Hesitant towards staff


  * Uncomfortable through release day



An update on his device was scanned. It revealed that he is taking a flight in approximately 2 hours as 3:35 am.

The investigation for this issue is ongoing. Sector **#012** has continued with their theory of a computer programing glitch. Sector # **003** continues to deny this. Sectors **#139** , **#082,** and **#133** have sided with sector **#003**. Sector # **048** still has not chosen a side. Remaining sectors are showing support for **#012** or **#003** depending on their stance, however many sectors are switching their support for **#003** as this problem continues.

Facility **#203** and **#118** have shut down to the public upon our request. Their currently stating it’s for repairs so that citizens don’t become concerned. Their participants have been moved to other sectors.”

The same man finishes reading the update and sits down. Everyone looks at each other. They’re all scared of what this means for their company.

“Solutions?” the boss asks. Many of the workers are weary. The past few days have been tough. It’s not easy to cover mistakes. Most are too tired to even process what their boss is aski 

Ms. Irwin raises her hand.

“Yes?” the boss says.

“I have an idea.”

“Please share,” he says. He crosses his slender arms over his chest and leans back in his chair to listen.

She nods and stands.

“These two participants are lovers. It’s clear in their emotions and actions. I believe that we can end their dangerous habits today. Sir, you called in at this hour because **#** 1048had purchased a plane ticket, correct?”

He nods at her, “Correct.”

“Well then you must have thought of this too. We can simply crash the plane he is riding in. It will destroy the chances of him meeting with #1435 again. If we release the names from the crash, it will also prompt #1435 to stop this madness.”

The boss stands. “Ms. Irwin, are you suggesting I risk people's lives to crash this plane?”

Ms. Irwin takes a deep breath. “Yes sir. I am.”

Everyone sits rigid as they wait for their boss’s reaction. To their surprise, he grins. “I like the way you think.” 

*******

It takes 40 minute for them to plan.

It takes 40 minutes for their boss to be happy.

40 minutes for every worker in that room to share a nervous glance.

40 awful minutes to construct an idea that will ruin the lives of many.

It takes 40 minutes to destroy someone’s whole world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is from [Photograph](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSDgHBxUbVQ) by Ed Sheeran


	4. I’ll Be Needing Stitches

I.

It's hot. Everything's hot. I feel my skin burning slowly. I slither down in my seat and turn off the heating.

"Hey," I say, waving my hand in the air. A flight attendant walks towards me.

"Yes?" she says. She's smiling and holding a tray of cookies in her hand.

“I was wondering why the heating was up so high,” I say.

“I’ll go check on that,” she says. She walks away before I can say thank you. I frown and put my headphones in. I rest my head against the cool window and watch a green forest pass by hundreds of feet below me.

*******

Half an hour later I feel the plane start shaking. _Damn Turbulence,_ I think. I make sure my seatbelt is on tightly and lean my head back against the seat. I close my eyes, wishing to be at the place already. _I’m going to see Dan._ I tell myself as a distraction. _Soon I’ll see him._

I open my eyes to see everyone tightly strapped in their seats. The same flight attendant as before is standing in the front of the cabin holding the intercom. Her eyes are wide as she scans through us. I watch her take a deep breath before she puts on a shaky smile.

“Attention, everyone. I hope you were all paying close attention to our safety instructions earlier this hour. We’ve had a bit of mishap and unfortunately one of engines has shut off.” Chatter erupts from everyone. All of their faces are twisted, some are crying, other sat stiff, still in shock. “Folks, let’s settle down,” the women says. She holds her hand in the air until all the attention is back on her.  “Our backup engine is running the show right now, but it won't last long. We are about to plan an emergency landing so if I could have you all lower your oxygen-”

The plane drops. I feel my organs fly to my throat and I hold my stomach. My mouth gapes open as I watch the flight attendant hit the ceiling of the plane. I hear her back crack and a sharp scream. I gag and turn away.

I look around at everyone. They’re all screaming, all holding onto their seats and each other for dear life. A mom is holding her kid. A man is grabbing onto his backpack. A boy is clutching onto a picture. An old lady is silent, tears in her eyes.

I start breathing fast. My hearts feels like it’s about to explode. My head feels light and I know I’m crying. I can’t feel it but I know. I was so close to Dan. So fucking close. Through all the pain, I manage to stay silent. I take in everything and keep my mouth closed.

I realize that I’m still grabbing my device when it starts heating up. I squeeze it in my hand knowing it won’t do any good. We’re still falling to the ground and nothing will stop us from dying. Still, I squeeze and hope that I’ll live.

It starts getting hotter and finally I notice it burning my skin. I don’t let go of it though. It’s the only way I know I can still feel. I grip it tighter.

Suddenly the burning stops and I feel like I’m in a dream.

It only lasts for a second though.

In an instant my hand is glowing a bright yellow. I finally scream. I watch the flames burn their way up my jumper and spread across my chest. My whole body is searing in pain. The heat comes up to my neck and I stop screaming. I physically cannot anymore. I look over to a lady sitting across the aisle from me. She’s watching me and yelling.

I look back in front of my and cry for everything I’ve ever lost. I cry because I miss Dan. I cry because I’m alone. I cry because living like this hurts.

The pain spreads to my legs and I let myself go. I look up at the ceiling and feel my body come to a stop. We’re no longer in the air. I don’t know where we landed but it doesn’t matter to me. I’m already past gone.

The pain slows and it feels like I’m being doused in water. I let the relief wash over me as I close my eyes.

_Good bye Daniel, my love._

II.

“We’re getting updates from this plane crash just now. Apparently this flight was in the air for just over an hour when the engines stopped working,” the news reporter tells the camera. She’s standing on a dock, a fire raging behind her.

“And authorities are saying that this may not be an accident, Samantha?” the man back in the newsroom prompts.

“That’s correct George. Several pieces of evidence found seems to suggest this was done on purpose.”

“We’re getting new information folks. Rescuers have said they’ve found no survivors. They will be releasing names to the public within the next hour.”

The TV shuts off.

“Daniel, love, you can’t watch this crap. Not when your friend is still out there. You’ll just worry.”

“No, but that’s why I need to watch it,” I say. I’m sitting at a table in the cafe, sitting across from Lucy. “I have to see if he’s in there.”

“Okay fine. They said they’d have names in an hour. We’ll check then.” she says.

“Right, one hour.”

“Yes good, now finish your coffee.”

“Yes, mum,” I say teasingly and take a sip from my mug.

“I’m not your mum,” she says, shaking her head, laughing.

*******

“We’re getting the names in right now, George,” Samantha says.

“Now remember everyone, this is not an official list,” George says. He picks up a few sheets of paper and begins reading.

I sit there, my hands shake in my lap, Lucy sits next to me and pats my back. “You’ll be okay, I promise.” she says.

I don’t say anything. I just sit there and listen to what they say.  I feel her squeeze my leg and I nod to her. “Janet Ann McCarthy, Bre Lamson, Henry Mathews, Penelope Wyatt...” As they read off the names, the pit in my stomach lessons. I even begin to smile 3 minutes into the list.

“Told you,” I hear Samantha say. I lean back in my chair and close my eyes. _I’ll see Phil soon._

“...and finally, authorities have confirmed that the final body belongs to Philip Lester.”

My eyes snap open. I know Samantha’s looking at me but I can’t stop myself. My breathing becomes rapid and my heart feels like it’s about to fall out of my chest. _Phil was real and alive and now he’s dead._

“Daniel, Dan please look at me.” Samantha says.

I don’t listen though. I grab my jacket and walk to the door. The bell rings as I open it and then I’m running. The wind hits my face as I race down the street. Some people yell at me but I don’t care. _My love is gone._

I reach a small ferris wheel in the middle of the park. I fall to a patch of grass and my sobs begin. I’m reminded of being in Manchester and riding it’s wheel when I first met Phil. I scratch at my chest. The pain gets worse and then it stops. The world goes black and I hear rustling before everything around me disappears.

*******

_‘We’re in a small coffee shop, looking out the window to the snow. Phil stands up and grabs my hand. “Let’s go,” he says softly. Christmas music plays in the background and he smiles. I nod and pull on my gloves.  We walk into the cold snow hand in hand. I lean my head against his shoulder and he kisses me on the head._

_“I’m so happy,” I say. My words come out in mist and I watch them disappear in the air. Phil pulls me into his chest and I smile._

_He runs his hands through my hair. “I am too,” he says. He pushes me back a bit to look at my face. His icy fingers tilt my chin up. “Can I kiss you Dan?”_

_“Ye-yes,” I say, nodding my head slightly. He laughs and presses his lips to mine. They’re cold and smooth and everything I’ve ever dreamed of. His mouth tastes like coffee and I still can’t believe Phil Lester likes me. Me, a kid who stalked him on the internet._

_He pulls back and runs his thumbs across my cheeks. “You’re so beautiful.”’_

*******

_This is true suffering,_ is all I can think when I wake up. My hands are tied down to chair handles and my feet locked against it’s legs. I feel nauseous and lightheaded like I haven’t eaten in days, and I probably haven’t. My throat feels dry and scratchy. I try to yell but I can’t. I look around me. Everything's made of metal and I can’t see door.

“Sit still Daniel,” I hear. My eyes scan the room again but find nothing. I shake my head violently. “Be good, we only want to ask you some questions.” I continue moving and rocking in my seat then a sharp pain washes over me. I fall limp in the cair.

*******

The next time I wake up there are 3 men in the room. They’re in suits, looking at me. I try to say something to them but I can’t. My throat feels dry and scratchy still. My stomach growls. I can practically feel the emptiness in my body. I roll my head up to look the men in the eye but I don’t have energy to. I try to speak again and fail.

One of them laughs at me. “You won’t be talking for a while.” I panic and start pulling at my restraints. “You don’t wanna do that.” Immediately the sharp pain is back and I stop moving. They leave as I fall back into my slumber.

*******

“Daniel, you can't talk or move but blink if you hear me,” a voice says. I take a deep breathe and blink. “Good, good. Now I need you to answer a few questions,” I look skeptically around the room at that. The voice laughs. “Blink once for yes, twice for no. Do you understand?”

I blink once to the metal wall.

“Good. Daniel, or should I say #1435? Do you recognise that number code?”

2 blinks.

“It’s yours. The one you got when you played Earth Simulation. I recall you once telling me that you loved my work. Do you you know who I am?”

2 blinks.

“I’m the creator of Earth. Unfortunately, there was a bit of a mishap with you. You seem to remember your time there. The plan was to enjoy yourself in the moment and never remember what happened. That _was_ the plan. You see, this incident can cost me my industry. For this reason, I must get rid you.”

I try to move but he was right, I can’t move at all. I sweat like crazy and blink rapidly in groups of two. He laughs.

“I’m not going to kill you, just erase your memories. Simple.”

_No, no please._

“It has to be done. Sorry, boy.”

_I don’t want to forget._ I start feeling sleepy again. _No, I can’t forget Phil._

III. 

I can’t feel anything.

That’s a lie. I feel too much and it’s melting together, so that the feelings feel like nothing. I’m laying down on a stone cold table. My legs and arms are bound down so I won’t move. I’ve already tried to get out and all it’s done is cause my wrists to bleed. I try not to move that much now, they already feel raw against the rope holding them down.

I hear creaking from the machine moving again and I begin crying. _No more please, no more._

It hovers above my head and I watch as cords are lowered down towards my face. They wrap around me like small snakes. Then, the electrocution begins. It’s essentially shock therapy but in the weird, futuristic way of this world. Each burst makes my body flail. I’m forced to pull against my restraints, and soon, my ankles are bleeding too.

After it’s over I can’t think. My brain feels clouded and exhausted. My body feels useless and worn. I close my eyes, trying to focus on Phil but I can’t. The thoughts are all fleeting. I give up and fall into an unrestful sleep.

*******

I wake up to rough hands along my body. My back is being bent on a table and there’s a rag in my mouth to gag me. Masked people pull me and stretch me across the arched structure. It’s steep though, and I feel my back crack each time I’m pushed further back. I cry out a muffled cursed, spit dribbling out of my mouth, soaking the cloth that’s gagging me.

Someone slaps me and I fall still. Sweat drips down my face and onto my bare chest as I am pushed into a breaking point. Finally, the tugging stop. I breath deeply around the flannel in my mouth, desperately trying to bring in oxygen.

Hands are on my shoulder and I open my eyes wide. The person smiles, I don’t see it but I know. They give me one final push and let out a bloodcurdling scream. They walk out of the room and I’m left heaving. I feel sick and pass out from the pain.

*******

“Good morning, Danny.”

“Shut up,” I growl.

“That’s not a very nice tone.” I sit still and glare at this monster of a man. We’re sitting in his office, discussing my situation. They let me out of my room this morning and promised me breakfast, not this. Although, I can’t exactly feel betrayed. I mean, they already tortured me. I watch as he reaches for his mug and takes a deep drink from it. He grabs a napkin and wipes away the stain left on his face from the coffee he just drank. He nods at me and leans forward in his chair. “Mr. Howell, I am the one who decides what will become of you. I can say the word and you’ll be dead. Right here. Right Now.”

“So do it then,” I say. I grab a biscuit from in front me and break off a piece.

“Excuse me?”

“Kill me. Right here.”

“Now, now Danny. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”

I slam my hand on his desk. “Do _not_ call me Danny.”

“Ah,” he says, mouth curving into a cruel smile. “I hit a little nerve there. My apologies.”

“Fuck you,” I say. He looks amused though, like playing with my feelings is his favorite past time. He takes another sip of coffee and leans into his chair.

“What do you want, Daniel?” I look at his eyes and keep my mouth closed. He raised his eyebrows and laughs. “I’m sorry I asked. Of course you’d want to be with your...lover.”

I nod.

“I’m afraid I am no magician. I don’t bring people back from the dead. I can do something almost as satisfying,” he says.

“Which is?”

“Make you forget,” he smirks.

“No. I won’t let you take my memories,” I say. I shake my head and push my chair away from him.

“Daniel, I’m just trying to help.”

“By killing my thoughts.”

“Yes. It’ll be simple. 2 pills a day. In 3 weeks you won’t even remember the feeling of love,” he says enthusiastically.

“That sounds sad,” I say.

“No, you won’t remember that there was something to lose in the first place. It won’t be sad at all.”

I nod. A life pain free sounds nice. “‘Okay. I’ll do that.”

He smiles properly at me and shakes my hand. “Good luck. A nurse will meet you outside.”

I stand to leave but I turn back to him when my hand reaches the door nob. “Who are you sir?”

“My boy, never do business with someone whom you do not know.”

“So it’s too late for me to know, is that what you’re telling me?”

“Precisely. It doesn’t matter anymore”

IV.

I’m in a hospital gown, lying in a bed that doesn't belong to me. There are 2 pills on the nightstand next to me. I slip them in my mouth, under my tongue where they’ll stay until 8pm when the cameras will shut off for 30 minutes while I shower. Then, I’ll add them to my growing collection of medication.

I stare at the ceiling, the beautiful blue sky moves across the ceiling slowly. Sometimes the blue is the exact shade of Phil’s eyes and I have to find shapes in the clouds to keep my mind occupied.

My wrists and ankles still hurt from before. I get migraines from what they did to my head. My back feels like hell if I sit up for more than 40 minutes. They said it would pass but I doubt that. They just needed to give me hope.

A girl named Kaylie came the other day trying to find information on Phil. They kept her too. Same as me. She’s in a room a few floors down, being given pills. She’ll forget him.

I won’t. I refuse to until the day I die.

*******

I have 30 pills. It took 15 days to collect them.

It’s 8pm and I’m due for a shower. I let it run while I grab a cup and fill it with water. I take the handful of pills and tip them all into my mouth. I can barely get the water in to wash them all down.

V.

“Participant Update (to Headquarters):

Both participants **#1048** and **#1435** are deceased.”

Irwin sits down with the small paper and smiles. She looks to her boss who nods his head.

“Time for a raise Ms. Irwin,” the boss says.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is from [Stitches](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbfpW0pbvaU) by Shawn Mendes


	5. I Wanna Come Home to You

The hospital room smells like lemons and chemicals. There’s a vase of flowers on a table below the hanging flat screen TV. A small boy with black hair and blue eyes sits in a chair next to the white roses. He’s reading a small picture book, trying to drown out the yells and groans that are happening right next to him.

A sharp cry fills the room and he looks up slowly. A nurse is holding a small blanket that contains the screaming. He puts his book down and ignores the call from his father telling him to sit down. He walks over to a small bed where a doctor is hovering over the blanket. He stands on his tiptoes and peers through the doctor’s arms.

A baby lies there, still throwing a fit. He’s covered in blood and his tiny hands are clenched. The doctor steps to the side so that the boy can see clearly. He watches carefully as the doctor wipes down the baby and measures his head and body length. The boy notices that he has a thin coat of brown hair across his head and he smiles. He goes to touch it but a nurse interrupts him. She comes in and moves the boy over so that she can dress the baby in a simple black onesie. She wraps him in a bright yellow blanket and moves him to a clean crib.

The boy follows her and watches as she sets down the child. He’s still crying when the older boy’s father suddenly picks him up. He cradles the baby and rocks him gently.

“Hey it’s okay Dan,” the man says to the small bundle. The boy’s eyes widen and he tugs on his father’s shirt. The dad smiles. He kneels down to lower the baby to his height. He grabs the boy's hand and rests it on the baby's head, “Dan, this is Phil. He’s your older brother”

The baby immediately stops crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is from [Talk Me Down](http://tronnorfravan.tumblr.com/post/131097815185) by Troye Sivan


End file.
